Editor’s note: This content was excerpted from a panel at a marriage retreat for Chinese pastors and their wives. In this selection, a couple talked about marriage struggles they have faced, and how facing those struggles helped them grow spiritually. It is a humbling realization to discover that one’s strengths are actually weaknesses in need of God’s grace — and your spouse’s patient understanding!

This excerpt has been edited and condensed for clarity and length.

She Had to Accept Me

Moderator: As preachers, we are used to preaching the gospel to others. But in recent years, as we have journeyed together, we have learned to preach the gospel to our own hearts. How do you do this with your family? In the moment, do we realize that uncomfortable grace is the gift of God’s saving grace? 

Pastor Ma Jingwei: We went through a period of struggle in our marriage when my wife was falling short of my expectations. The tension grew so intense that we argued. I told my wife we had to be honest. I confessed that, when I saw other extraordinary women, I had crushes on them. I asked her, “What about you? Have you ever had a crush on other men?” To my surprise, despite my candid admission, my wife said, “I can accept you and tolerate [what you are saying], but I have not had a crush on anyone else.” This touched me tremendously.

Later, I realized how shocking it was to hear her say she could accept me. I thought I was the one who had to accept her. Her words resounded within my mind. Indeed, she had to accept me. She had to accept a husband who was evil inside. She was holier than I, because she was satisfied by the gospel, by Christ. 

She accepted and loved me, but had no hope. The reason she did not have a crush on another man was not because there were not better men than me, but because she was satisfied by Christ. She gave me her unconditional love and acceptance. Truly, it was shocking to find out my wife was the one who had to accept me. After twenty years of journeying together, I have more love, more appreciation for, and more affection for my wife. However strong the storm, she is always my harbor.

However, I was only able to acknowledge the problem. I wanted to change, but needed to know how. Gospel theology reveals to me how I should be satisfied by the gospel and how to love my wife. I have been renewed.

Repenting for Things I Thought I Did Well

Pastor Fan Xu: I am not good at saying sweet words, and I am often slow to verbally express my love. After studying the spirit of the gospel, the things I need to repent for the most are not things I have done poorly. Actually, I need to repent for the things I thought I had done well. 

I demand a lot from others, and have a great desire to change them. I have been trying to change my wife for twenty years, but in all those years she has never changed. I thought I could change my wife and my son, and I thought I had good reasons for trying to change them. The things I asked my wife and son to do were things I had done; therefore, I felt confident when I asked them to change.

But they would not obey me. I could change many brothers and sisters in the church, so why could I not change my own family? Later, I found out that many of the changes brothers and sisters at church displayed had been faked. 

I often enforced moral standards on others. At home, I played the role of a savior. I needed to change more than anyone else. I thought I was the model for moral standards, but those “merits” prevented me from living out the gospel, and even became a barrier to the gospel. 

Good things – merits, good habits, character, and sacrifices – revealed that the foundation of our marriage was not love, but sacrifice. It looked like I was sacrificing; the sacrifice was to demand that they shut their mouths. On the surface, it looked like they had nothing to say. But over many years, our ways of managing relationships led to a period of extraordinary crisis in our relationship. 

Morality and legalism lay deep in my heart like a heavy burden, like a rock. This was what I needed to repent of most. Now that I have finally thrown it off, I feel like I am truly living. In front of her, I am a weak man, one who lives a real life.

Anchor: Uncomfortable grace helps to grow and purify our spiritual life in the gospel.

Huang Shuhao (wife of Fan Xu): Today I was thinking, “God, must I experience all the hardship and suffering of the world?” But I suddenly had the following prayer in my heart: “Lord, you allow your disciple to go through the storm. This is so I can see myself clearly and so I can see that I am blind. This is so I can know myself better, and so I can see that this Jehovah God, this Creator, this Almighty God, is with me all the time. He never forgets me, and he truly listens to my prayer.”

Fan Xu: Any word said would be wasted.

Huang Shuhao: I do have complaints about our marriage. But in the future, we will live on with the words I said during our honeymoon: “What I am most proud of is that I married you, and I am the happiest woman in the world.”

Pastor Fan Xu and his wife, Huang Shuhao, live in Shanghai.

Pastor Ma Jingwei and his family live in a large city in eastern China.

All names are pseudonyms.

FOR PRAYER AND REFLECTION

Pray for Chinese couples to throw off burdens of legalism and moralism and find rest in God’s grace, even when it is uncomfortable.